I lie. A lot. Every time people ask how I’m doing, how I am..I lie. People don’t need to know how unhappy I am and no matter how hard they try, they probably won’t make me feel better. They just don’t need to know these things. Plus, I don’t like attention, so I don’t talk about myself that much. I just refrain from it as much as possible. I’m sorry if it makes you upset to know that I’m unhappy, that’s why I lie. It’s really for your benefit..so don’t be mad. I don’t like complaining all the time, so I shut up, don’t talk so much. Things are better for you that way. Just trust me.

It’s the day after my birthday.  One year older, but I don’t feel any different. I have no major reflections over the past year since my last birthday other than I’ve had a lot of trials thrown at me and I’ve come a long way. Let’s just hope I learned from my mistakes and I make better choices.

I’m.. mad, angry, frustrated..

Life is so confusing, so irritating.

I wish I wasn’t so jealous, I wish I was a better person.

I wish I could please people, I wish I could be who people wanted me to be.

I wish I didn’t disappoint people, or let them down or frustrate them.

I wish people took relationships as seriously as I do.

And loyalty. Another very important quality.

I hope my husband/boyfriend/whoever feels the same way about relationships as I do.

I hope God has that planned for me.

Not lots of relationships that tear my heart apart,

But someone I can trust with my life and my family’s lives.

Someone I can trust with everything.

Someone I can grow with, in age and in my spiritual life.

Someone I know will always be faithful to me,

Someone who wants to be with only me.

Someone who feels the same about me that I do about them.

I don’t think I know anyone like that right now,

But I pray I will. Always praying.

Just got back from retreat a couple days ago and man.. it was tough.

It was the first time I had prayed in months.. so many months. This summer has been such a downward spiral, but i’m making a COMEBACK.

I can’t take this right now, but it’s happening none the less. I can’t stop it. I can’t protect everyone. I can’t even protect myself. I don’t understand why it has to be this way, but it does.
Another promise has been broken. When will I completely fall apart? I’m not sure, but it’s gonna happen. It’s coming, I can feel it. I can’t take this anymore. I just want it all to stop.
“This is a disaster and I can’t get past her.
I’m breathing and I can’t feel a thing.
I need a cure for this disease.”
–In Fear and Faith, Live Love Die

“There’s two types of girls: one of them happens to be really emotional and get upset all the time over nothing. She’s that type so don’t worry about it.”

He doesn’t know. He does not understand me. He says he does, but don’t listen. He has no idea what he’s saying. He also says he won’t give up, but he will. He’ll never stop caring? Of course he will.

Why hasn’t he yet? It’s beyond my understanding. If I’m so frustrating, why not just give up? Stop caring. Go away, like I asked you to. Leave me alone. I do not want you here anymore.

I need to get over you. Don’t you understand that? Well accept it and listen to what I tell you to do.

Sure, you might care for the moment, but you won’t after a while. 

You don’t mean what you say, so don’t talk to me.

What’s going on? I don’t know.

“How are you?” I hear it from everyone, everyday. What is my response? Depends if my mind is currently occupied with horrible things.

Fine. I don’t know. Tired. Whatever. Ask later. There’s a variety of answers.

Sleep. That’s all I ever want to do these days. What’s the point in doing anything else? Do I do anything else? Not really.

Read.. that’s usually how I spend my summers, not so much anymore. Too lazy I guess. Too lazy to even turn the pages.

What’s going on? What’s with the apathy and lethargy? I just don’t care and I have no desire to do anything. It’s taking all my effort to sit here and finish this post. I honestly am just not in the mood and it’s only out of sheer boredom that I’m doing this.

Update? I wonder when it’s all going to come crashing down. It’s starting to crumble, slowly getting worse and worse. Never getting better. Where is the light? Where’s the better day?

When will this tragedy be over? Will I lose before it ends?

Torn down piece by piece, no longer do I know how to stand.

Why have you left me here alone? Where is the comfort of your hand?

Pushed down, I try to get up, only to be met with another shove.

Lying on my back, I look up, searching for help from above.

I know the right thing to do. Now the question remains… Will I do it? Will I choose the right way?

I’ve been struggling. I want to do the right thing, but temptation seems to win out in the end.When will my desire to do good win over the desire to do wrong? I’m waiting for that day.

I want to say I’ve been trying to do the right thing, but if I really tried, I know I would have done it.

People seem so fickle these days. 

I have these two friends, they used to go out. They broke up a little while ago because of some issues… and now they aren’t really friends anymore. I don’t understand what’s going through their heads. They both said they loved each other, but now they don’t? They don’t love each other anymore because of how each has treated the other. 

That makes no sense to me.

I love someone who has treated me wrongly. I still love him because I forgave him. I forgave him because I love him. I know he wants to be better, I’m waiting for it to happen. Forever will I wait for him.

I feel as if my two friends didn’t really love each other because they aren’t able to get past this. He said that he hated her. Maybe it’s just me.. but I don’t think you can go from love to hate. At I can’t. Even when someone treats me badly, I forgive them because I love them. That’s what you do when you love someone, you forgive them. 

I always try my hardest not to say that I hate someone because hating someone is like murdering them in your heart. Especially if I tell someone I love them, I would never want to say I hate them later. When I love someone, I really love them. Even if you don’t mean it and you’re just angry, you still shouldn’t say that you hate someone. Especially when you don’t because sometimes, they remember it and it hurts them more than you realize. 

Maybe I have a different understanding of love then most people my age.. I don’t know. I just don’t understand why people say they love someone or that they’re in love with someone and then a month later, they aren’t. That doesn’t make sense. At all.

Do I understand why I feel how I feel? Do I understand why I do what I do?

Yes. 

What I do not understand is how I can continue to feel this way about someone who has hurt me. I didn’t think I was strong enough, I didn’t think I could endure the pain, but you know what they say. That which does not kill you only makes you stronger.

Can I stand to see him all the time? Can I stand in the rain? 

I believe so.

I asked for the strength to get up each morning, to face each day without tears, to have the desire to live. I have the strength. I have the courage. I have the desire. How will I use it?

I don’t know yet. Every day I see him I wonder if it will be okay. Will this be a good day or a bad one? I’m never sure. I always hope, but never know until it’s over. 

I love him so I will take good days and the bad ones. If they’re days with him, it’s all good. 

GAHHH have to go! I’ll babble some more later